Obtrusive, Filthy, Beautiful Grace -- A Eulogy...of Sorts

"Jesus!" the old lady cried. "You've got good blood! I know you wouldn't shoot a lady! I know you come from nice people! Pray! Jesus, you ought not to shoot a lady. I'll give you all the money I've got!"....

"Jesus was the only One that ever raised the dead." The Misfit continued, "and He shouldn't have done it. He thrown everything off balance. If He did what He said, then it's nothing for you to do but throw away everything and follow him..."

-- A Good Man is Hard to Find -- Flannery O'Connor

The Misfit, a criminal on the run, has this old lady on the ropes. His buddies have already wiped out the rest of the family: the ladies son, daughter-in-law, and three grandchildren. She seems to be next on the list. She begs and pleads. She appeals to his bloodlines and social dignity. How could someone with his blood intentionally murder someone with her ladyship?

Her initial rhetoric fails to work. Appealing to societal norms didn't budge this convicted criminal from his stance. 

A spiritual plea! Yes, this must work! She calls him to reach down into the depths of his core, the very part that drives each one of us, either consciously or unconsciously, and asks him to examine the truth. Misfit -- pray! Ask Jesus to help guide you to the bottom of your frustrations and sins. But still, don't shoot a lady! Its not proper!

The lady, in her last moments, with a chance to "throw away everything and follow him," could not give up her earthly dreams and desires. Societies code consumed her core, her very essence, her soul, and drove her to call upon the name of the Lord in a way that failed to be sincere, reeking of blasphemy and dishonor. Her weakest moment could have been her finest hour, whether on earth or in heaven.

At this pivotal moment of grave weakness, when she lost all control of her life, The Misfit gave her a choice: "to be real, or to be unreal", as Thomas Merton said. To be real, meaning "The secret of my full identity is hidden in [Christ]. He alone can make me who I am, or rather who I will be when at least I fully begin to be."

My grandfather, my mother's father, passed away today. He lived much of his life like the lady in Flannery O'Connor's short story. But...

When The Misfit came masked as liver failure, his greatest strengths evolved into his greatest weakness's. He couldn't physically overpower The Misfit, like he could have in the past. His intelligence, which was great, couldn't confound and confuse him into submission. He only had one choice between the two options that remained -- to be real, or to be unreal. And the question for us became, "what will he choose?"

I am immediately drawn to St. Augustine's Confessions. Augustine's mother bothers her priest incessantly about her wayward son. She spends every hour of every day in grief because of her son's spiritual condition. After many discussions about her son's soul, the priest wearily tells her to "leave me and go in peace. It cannot be that the son of these tears should be lost." 

Well, I can only speak for my mother, but her tears did not go unnoticed by our Father. 

"It is not those who are well who need a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but the sinners to repentance." -- Luke 5:31-32

A few months ago, during the middle of the night when sleep escaped him, he listened to the words of Billy Graham on a late night television program. The words of God's grace reigned down upon his once deaf heart and overwhelmed his sick and tired soul to repentance. Its as if, after years of wrestling with the nature of truth and whether or not God and his plan of redemption through His son Jesus Christ really existed, this fresh perspective on God's love, from a mouthpiece not relationally connect to him, allowed him to "simply relax in the presence of God [he] half believe[d] in and ask[ed] for a touch of folly" (Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel). 

Before he passed on to be in the presence of his new Father, the one who loves him in spite of all his past sin and in spite of all the beautiful things he created, he was able to cry to the Lord, not in the way the lady did, but in all reverence and sincerity, and asked to be taken from this world. His peace with his Creator had been made. His peace with my mother had been made. He could go home, now -- to a place void of pain, sickness, and vanity.

Once and for all, at the exact moment it mattered most, he decide to be Real.

Praise God for his obtrusive, filthy, beautiful Grace.

The Changing of the Seasons

There is no season better than winter -- the brisk breeze, the lingering clouds, the dark natural tones, and the frigid temperatures that require layer upon layer of clothing. Winter always seems to draw my mind and spirit into reflection. On this Thanksgiving weekend, it is something I am incredibly grateful for, yet leery of, as well.

As I sit on my parents' back porch out at Lake Kiowa (my "black rock", so to speak), with the temperature hovering around 50 degrees with a somewhat strong north wind telling me, "You like the winter, well, here She comes," I can't help but notice the season's implicit reflection of life. To be more specific, the life of Faith.

The life of Faith can be broken down into four distinct, but sometimes overlapping, parts: Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter. Spring is the time when your faith is growing and new. God's revealed nature becomes known to you in some new and fascinating way. Most likely, you have heard this beautiful truth before, but for one reason or another, the seed never planted firmly in your soul until this moment. The Holy Spirit, to your utter surprise, continues to refresh your soul with these "new" truths. Praise and thanksgiving burst forth from your heart in the same way a flower blooms under the cool, but not cold, beautifully bright, blue sky.

Next comes Summer. With Summer, comes the active participation of the truths revealed to you in the Spring. The transformation of the soul in the Spring now overflows and becomes an outpouring to others. During this time, you are more than likely not even thinking about the truths you learned. Your entire focus has shifted away from the union between yourself and God to the union between others and God. This shift occurs subconsciously. Bonhoeffer refers to this state as a "hidden righteousness." It is hidden from yourself but completely revealed to those around you. By the grace of God, your natural self has been denied and the cross of Christ rests lightly upon on your shoulders.

But as we know, the glories of Spring and Summer do not last -- Nothing Gold Can Stay. Oh, the Fall. The sun shines a little less, and the trees, leaves, and grass begin to fade and fall. Remnants remain of the truths sprung up by the Spring and lived out by the Summer; mere bits and pieces -- fragments -- slowly wither away. Soon, the fragments will remain no more. The wind will blow them away. If you allow your heart to dwell on the Fall, you will see the leaves tumbling fervently and furiously across the yard. You want to still their movement. You aren't entirely hopeless, though, because the remnants, albeit few, still remain.

Then the winter storms in. The landscape is desolate. The sun hides for days. Nature ceases to mature. The precipitation does not nurture but veils what remains from Fall. Your hope is all but gone. You long for the Spring, the refreshing of the Spirit in the same way it brought comfort and joy to you before. You live completely out of the moment, hoping and longing for something other than the present. Time is your enemy because you have no control over it. The remnants of truth are gone and you can barely remember what they were and how they changed your life. But....

"In this greatest perfection of faith the infinite God Himself becomes the Light of the darkened soul and possesses it entirely with His Truth. And at this inexplicable moment the deepest night becomes day and faith turns into understanding." -- Thomas Merton

This moment of Winter, and even Fall, is entirely necessary and a part of the faith process. This movement from Spring to Summer to Fall to Winter is not a movement from the greatest good to the worst good, but instead, a continued renewal of Faith and recognition of the Light for our darkened soul. At some point, because of our nature, we will forget the joys of God revealed during Spring and manifested in Summer. As we forget, we have two choices: allow God to continue his work via the Fall and Winter, or live in a falsified Spring and Summer brought about by your own works and knowledge that is completely void of God. The former is filled with Grace, and the latter is filled with self.

Yes, the Winter is a bleak time for our soul. None of us desire that sort of anxiety and desperation. The human tendency is to escape suffering -- mental, emotional, physical, spiritual -- at all costs. But running towards the latter only increases true pain and disunity from God because you chase your fake self, the one outside relationship with God. But the suffering of the Winter has a beauty of its own. It lies in the fact that it is a preparation for the Spring. Without the Winter, the Spring can't come. Without the Winter, Grace does not abound. Without Grace, there is no communion with the Father.

For me, I incessantly long for the Spring and Summer, yet reign in the Winter. My Winters seem to last months and even years. My longings, at times, for other seasons take the place of God infused Grace. I seek my own transformation, outside the bounds of God actually transforming. Merton simply and truthfully claims that, "It is not we who choose to awaken ourselves, but God who chooses to awaken us." Praise God!

As Scot McKnight explains in his book, "The Jesus Creed," some of us are like Peter, who seems to have had more Winters than Springs, while some of us are like Paul, who seems to have had one Spring moment with the rest of his life being one long Summer. But in both instances, they are incredible tools of God. I praise God for the two weeks he allowed me to experience a Spring and the two weeks he allowed me to experience a Summer this past year. I praise God for being a "Peter" type. And I also force myself to praise him for my Falls and Winters.

Praise God, not only for the Seasons dictated by the laws of Nature, but also for the Seasons dictated by the Grace of our Father, through Jesus Christ our Lord!

The AL Champion Texas Rangers

So I decided, with the Rangers in the World Series again, to post the article I wrote for the University of Dallas Newspaper back in 2008 on the organizational philosophy of the Texas Rangers. I had the privileged of interviewing the General Manager, Jon Daniels, for the article. After looking back over the article, I realize the writing is not strong but the ideas of Jon Daniels back in 2008 have really come to life since then.

 Along with posting the article itself, I am including the entire interview transcript for any interested baseball nerd.

For all you baseball types, I hope you find it interesting.

ARTICLE

For a house to stand strong, it must be built upon a firm foundation. A firm foundation gives stability to the house bringing it sustained longevity.

In this new millennium, the house of the Texas Rangers has been built upon a foundation of sand. When Doug Melvin was ousted as the general manager after the 2001 season, John Hart was hired to bring the Rangers back to their glory days of 1996-1999. His plan was to build the Rangers around free agent acquisitions and trades that would put the team in a position to win now. Hart doled out large contracts to Chan Ho Park and Alex Rodriguez that ultimately inhibited the team from signing other quality players. This caused the Rangers to be a mediocre team during the John Hart era. After 4 unsuccessful seasons, Hart resigned and handed his job over in 2005 to the assistant GM at the time, Jon Daniels. When he was hired, Daniels was the youngest GM in the game at 28 years old.

Jon Daniels’ first year and a half looked a lot like Hart’s 4 years in the organization. Inheriting Mark Teixeira, Hank Blalock, Alfonso Soriano, Chris Young and Michael Young, Daniels felt like he had a core of players in which he could build a contender around immediately, either through trading a few of them to obtain other quality pieces or keeping a few of them to ultimately build around.

“When I got the opportunity at the end of ’05,” Daniels recounts, “We said ‘Hey, if x, y, and z go right we would have a chance.’ We made some moves and stepped on the gas.”

First, Daniels spun 2B/OF Alfonso Soriano to the Washington Nationals for OF Brad Wilkerson, minor league pitcher Armando Galarraga, and OF Terrmel Sledge. While this move was controversial at the time, the acquisition of a power/on base threat in Wilkerson was needed in the Rangers lineup. Next, Daniels traded SP Chris Young, former 1^st pick in the draft 1B Adrian Gonzalez and newly acquired OF Terrmel Sledge to the Padres for the tease known as SP Adam Eaton, RP Akinori Otsuka and minor league catcher Billy Killian. Neither of these trades worked out well for the Rangers with Otsuka being the only player to play consistently well for the club.

Daniels notes, “I think, looking back at that point, if we said, ‘if all these things go right and we have a chance, but the odds are still against us, lets start building this foundation today, and build for the long term,’ we would be in a better position today than we are now,”

With these trades not working out like the Rangers had hoped, the Rangers decided to move in another direction. Daniels describes this direction as a “building process.” This building process focuses more upon building the organization from the ground up. What that means is acquiring talent within the minor leagues that will either directly help the major league club or the talent will be spun off for players who are already prepared to help the big league club immediately.

“You look at the different models that different clubs have gone about it, and the number one constant is that they have had success developing their own players,” Daniels observed. “Even the Yankees and the Red Sox, who people talk about how they just spend money, Well you look at the teams and you look at the roles of where these key guys have come from and you look at the Red Sox: [Dustin] Pedroia, [Jonathan] Papelbon, [Jon] Lester, [Clay] Buchholz, [Kevin] Youkilis, they have played key roles on that team. [Jacoby] Ellsbury also comes up. [Josh] Beckett, a huge player, they go out and they get him by trading Hanley [Ramirez], one of their key guys. So, even the best teams today, you can not win without developing your own players.”

The Rangers attempt to follow suit. For the Rangers, their perpetual problem comes in their lack of quality pitchers. Since the Rangers have taken the approach to build through their minor league system, they have focused on acquiring pitching talents with the potential to be a major league ace.

“We are only going to go as far as our pitching goes,” Daniels said. “It is so difficult to find upper rotation starters, the legitimate #1 and #2 guys. There are only what, 8 or 10 legitimate, true #1’s in the game. And then #2’s, how many are there really?”

Here a few names for you to keep an eye on within the Rangers minor league system. Neftali Feliz (#5 in the Rangers system according to Baseball America), who came over from the Braves in the Teixiera deal, can throw in the 94-97 mph range with ease while touching 99 on occasion. His curveball and change up flash the potential to be very good major league pitches as well. Being only 19, he has time to refine his game and secondary pitches. Wilmer Font, a 17 year old right handed pitcher out of Venezuela who stands at a measly 6-4 237 pounds, can throw his fastball anywhere from 93-98. His secondary pitches are a work in progress but he is only 17 and has plenty of time to develop. In the 2007 draft, the Rangers drafted Blake Beaven in the 1^st round out of nearby Irving High School. Beaven already has two potential devastating major league pitches in his fastball and his slider. He can throw his fastball anywhere around 92-96 and his slider, his best pitch, in the mid-80’s. Feliz, Font and Beaven have the potential to be a #1 pitcher that Daniels and the Rangers are looking for and have been looking for since the days of Nolan Ryan. And this is just to name only a few of the guys the Rangers have stockpiled.

“We’ve got to develop our own guys and you aren’t going to develop those guys by taking nice, safe guys that maybe have a chance to get there a little quicker,” Daniels notes. “You are going to have to take some risks and hopefully through having enough of a stable of these guys, you can withstand the inevitable injuries and some of the other things that are going to happen.”

By acquiring all of this talent, the Rangers now have the #4 farm system, according to Baseball America, in all of baseball. From Feliz, to Beaven, to Font, to RHP Michael Main, to 1B/OF Chris Davis, to SS Elvis Andrus, and to LHP Kasey Kiker, the Rangers have a stable of players to carry them on in the future. All of them will not pan out but the more you have, the better opportunity for a handful of them to make it.

“We are not done adding talent to the system,” Daniels assures. “The bottom line is we might have 20-30 exciting prospects but out of those 20 or 30, we are hoping to get 5 or 10 who have a chance over the next 5 years to really impact the team.”

5 to 10 guys can make a difference. Just look at the Red Sox.

This new era run by Jon Daniels is not built upon the sand of the John Hart years but it is built upon the rock.

The Rangers finally have a wise home builder. Be patient, a good house is not built in one day. 

INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

Q: What is the Rangers plan?

A: We are definitely in a building process. I think pretty much every team is somewhere, baseball is kind of a cycle. It is very cyclical game. Every team is somewhere on the cycle. Even the Yankees and Red Sox people talk about these teams and how they just spend money and do this. Well you look at the teams they have taken and you look at the roles of where these key guys have come from and you look at the Red Sox: Pedroia, Papelbon, Lester, Buchholz, Youklis play key roles on that team and Ellsbury comes up, key role on that team. Obviously Beckett, huge role and they go out and they get him by trading Hanley one of their key guys. So, you, even the best teams today, you can not win without developing your own players. I mean, obviously, they are much further along in the process along the cycle than we are. But you look at different models that have different clubs that have gone about it and the number one constant is that they have had success developing their own players and they develop different kinds of players. The Braves have developed, you know, players that have one kind of skill set or one thing in common. Oakland, they believe in something a little different. Minnesota, Cleveland, all these different clubs, you see, you can tell when you look at Minnesota, it is a Twins type of player. When you look at Oakland, it is an Oakland type player. What we have to do is develop our identity. When you walk, you know when other scouts come through they say “that’s a Rangers type player.” That’s what we are trying to do right now. A lot of that is going to come from being relentless in talent acquisition and pouring as much youth into the system and talent into the system as possible teaching them how we want them to play the game and how we want them going about being a professional and attacking this thing. But at the end of the day, you know, they are going to sort themselves out as far as who is the most deserving of an opportunity at the big league level.

Q: So what is a Rangers type of player?

A: You know, that is a tremendous question. I think, from a pitching staff, we are going to try to keep things real simple. You know, the one thing you have is throw strikes. You have to throw strikes and our starters have to pitch innings. Especially in the heat in Texas, you have to prepare to be durable and go our there. Nolan Ryan talks about and one of the questions I first asked him “when you came to Texas” he was at the later stage of his career “did you change your mindset pitching in the heat, pitching in an environment?” “The only thing I tried to do was every day when I went out there, my mindset is, I got to stay out here longer than the opposing starting pitcher. When you do that and I accomplished that I’m going to have to be efficient and I’m going to have to throw strikes” and that is what we are trying to get our guys to do. Have them develop that mindset that they forget what the scoreboard says, your job is to outlast the opposing starter to give us a chance to win the game and try to develop, you know, as much as anything, it is about conditioning and developing that mindset. For position players, you know, one of our philosophies is we aren’t going to give up free bases. Whether it is walks, stolen bases, wild pitches, passed balls, errors, letting the trail runner advance because he threw it to the wrong base. We are going to try to play a very fundamental game. Offensively, we are going to grind it out. We are not going to be looking for the walk, our guys are free to but in certain, when the game dictates it, in a game situation, we have got to be able to play that situation. Those are some of the things that we are stressing.

Q: How far along are the Rangers in this process?

A: Its hard to kind of give a, quantify it exactly. If it is a five step process, we are probably somewhere around step 3 or 4. I mean, I think we still have a couple of things we need to do as far as pushing some of our younger guys and getting them to the big leagues and then once they are there, getting them over the hump to where their not just checking a box, happy to there but that they are a productive big league player and winning big league players,  and playing the game the right way. And we are not done adding talent to the system. The bottom line is we might have 20-30 exciting prospects but out of those 20 or 30, we are hoping to get 5 or 10 but we have a chance over the next 5 years to really impact the team. We need to do better than that.

Q: Why has the focus been on young, high ceiling players?

A: At the big league level now and with some of the prospects coming up, especially that upper level group, we are going to put a good position player club out there and I think a better one than we have had than the last 2 years, quite frankly. But we are only going to go as far as our pitching goes. It is so difficult to find upper rotation starters, the legitimate #1 and #2 guys. There are only what, 8 or 10 legitimate, true #1’s in the game. And then #2’s, how many are there really. You saw what Arizona gave up to get Dan Haren and you saw how pricey it was for the Mets both in dollars and talent to land Santana and they were only one of a couple teams who had a chance to do that. Those guys don’t come available very often. We’ve got to develop our own guys and you aren’t going to develop those guys by taking nice, safe guys that maybe have a chance to get there a little quicker. You are going to have to take some risks and hopefully through having enough of a stable of these guys you can withstand the inevitable injuries and some of the other things that are going to happen. So we have focused on, Latin America has been an area. You go into big league free agency and you try to acquire players it is extremely pricy, the barrier of entry is tough because a lot of the best players don’t get there because they get locked up before hand. You go to try to trade for these top end pitchers and again, some of these prices but also very few of them come available. You try to draft them, you can do that, but only Tampa Bay had the opportunity to draft David Price. You only pick once every 30 picks. But in Latin America and the international market, you can sign as many guys as you want. Your only limit is your own budget and how hard you work at it. So this is where we say this is an area where we can make some head way. A.J. Preller and his department has really gotten after it.

Q: Is there a specific team the Rangers model their organization after?

A: The Indians are a club that I look at. You know, if you look at the 2007 media guide, that the very front, the picture of Larry Dolan, their club president and you read through his bio and at the bottom right it talks about their mission statement and also a quote about what they want to do. The Indians are primarily, a big league payroll about 25^th to 28^th, 22^nd-28^th, somewhere in that lower third and that is not where they are going to have their competitive advantage. But what they do try to do, every year they are top 5 in terms of investing and development and scouting and amateur signing bonuses. That is kind of what we are trying to do. We are probably going to be a bottom half, bottom third payroll, at least until our revenues get to a point where it makes more sense to do something else. But what we are going to do, we are going to spend big in our infrastructure, we are going to invest in our infrastructure, hire more scouts, hire the best coaches and sign more players. That is something we need to get and to continue to build on.

Q: What mistakes and successes from the past has brought you and the organization to this point?

A: When I got the opportunity at the end of ’05, we said “hey, if x, y, and z go right, and we position of the club, we would have the chance.” We made some moves and stepped on the gas and we probably weren’t ready to do so as a club. I think, looking back at that point, if we said, if all these things go right we have a chance but the odds are still against us. Lets start building this foundation today, and build for the long term, we would be in a better position today than we are now. And what I want to do, obviously, you are never waving the white flag, you are always focused on the season at hand and want to put the most competitive team on the field you can and give yourself a chance to have those things fall in line like Arizona or like Colorado did last year but the bottom line is for it to be sustainable the only way it is going to work for us is to keep the eye on the prize and to continue looking long term and develop these young players and hold on to as many as possible.

Q: Purpose of short term deals?

A: First things first, you want to sign these guys hoping that they are going to be a productive piece for the team and kind of fill a hole that we are not able to fill internally until some of our better young players are able to step in. I think, that is the first hope. Then also, the hope that maybe Milton or Jason really click and we think hey this guy can be here long term. They are both 29 or 30 years old or whatever they are and we can sign these guys to multi year deal and have them be here and we know we added a core piece when we didn’t necessarily have one. But in the back of your mind, you have to be realistic and say, if this doesn’t work out, we are not able to commit to them or vice versa then at least you do have one year guys without big contracts and those are typically the guys who are attractive at the deadline and we could be in the position again where we can add some pieces but you try not to think about that too much because obviously you don’t want to be sellers in March.

Q: What players do you feel like you are going to give them a shot in the big leagues to see if they fail or succeed?

A: I don’t know if I have any players off the top of my head. I think the key thing there is not every player gets that same opportunity. We have to make decisions not just once they are given an opportunity whether we are going to keep them or move them on but also who deserves that opportunity. Sometimes it is a rough business and guys don’t necessarily get a chance at the big league level with the organization that brought them up. But hopefully they do. Sometimes, you are just stacked up at a position or the timing is not right and so not everybody gets the same opportunity, you know, part of our job is to evaluate who are the most deserving and who will give us the best chance going forward

                                                                                          

Down in the River to Pray

I can't shake Flannery O'Connor's short story The River. It is accessible yet unattainable, clear yet veiled. What to make of it!

A woman takes a four year old boy named Harry/Bevel from his dysfunctional house for the day to the river where a preacher baptizes and heals. The woman presents him to the preacher to be baptized. Before the preacher submerges him, he tells him that his baptism will enable him "to go to the Kingdom of Christ. You'll be washed in the river of suffering, son, and you'll go by the deep river of life." After he administers the sacrament, he tells the boy, "You count now...you didn't even count before."

In his family, the boy did not count. His mother was an alcoholic and his father was incapable of meeting the four year old's need. When the boy woke up the next morning, his parents were knocked out and would be out of commission until the afternoon. He had to fend for himself.

He beautiful naivete longed for some form of extrinsic value that the preacher seemingly bestowed him through the river.  He wanted to go to the Kingdom of Christ. His home certainly failed to embody it...but the river, yes, the river, must house it. He would do whatever it takes to wash away his suffering and to find rest in the Kingdom -- to really count.

So he leaves. With no intention of coming back. He follows the path that leads to the river that washes away suffering. He didn't need a preacher to baptize, he could do it himself. Purposefully, "he put his head under the water at once and pushed forward." Straining, reaching, hoping, he tried with all his might to literally reside in this Kingdom. Initially, he failed, but as evil tried to hold him back from the loving embrace of Christ, "the waiting current caught him like a long gentle hand and pulled him swiftly forward and down."

The little boy suffered no more. That day, he resided with Christ in his Kingdom.

"For the disciple of Jesus, 'becoming like a little child' means the willingness to accept oneself as being of little account and to be regarded as unimportant...God's grace falls on them because they are negligible creatures, not because of their good qualities." -- Brennan Manning

The boy realized he was nothing. But for those who are nothing, Christ died for them to make them into something. In his fervent desire, the boy's discipleship led to his earthly demise. But more so than his earthly pleasure and gain, the boy wanted to participate in the Kingdom, no matter the cost. For once in his life, he counted!

Dietrich Bonhoeffer describes the grace the boy received like this:

"Costly grace is the treasure hidden in the field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods. It is the kingly rule of Christ, for whose sake a man will pluck out the eye which causes him to stumble; it is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him...It is costly because it costs a man his life, and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life."

The boy's actions seem absurd, to literally die for the sake of Christ and to give up your life for the truth of Grace. But the call of discipleship is to leave their old lives and conjoin to their new ones. We see this as the disciples drop their nets and leave their booths as their rabbi calls them.

O'Connor is not calling us, in her grotesque ways, to physically destroy ourselves in order for our souls to be stripped from its vessels and placed in God's presence. Instead, as a mouthpiece of the Gospels, she calls us to strip our body and soul from its old life and rest in the new life of God's grace in the temporal Kingdom Jesus established through his bodily death -- no matter the perceived or actual cost.

I pray I began to have the child-like faith to embrace the costly grace of Christ.

Longing for the Green

"We are like birds on a branch. We don't know if we are going to stay or go." paraphrase
"No, we are the birds and you are the branch. If you leave, we lose our footing." paraphrase

"We are like flowers. We don't uproot and place ourselves in sun but we wait where we are and grow in spite of the light or dark." paraphrase

Of Gods and Men tells the story of French monks living and serving the people of Algeria who have to decide whether to stay in or leave their monastery because of the radical Islamic's murderous actions. As they speak to the faithful Muslim leaders about their possible departure, their thoughts stun and still them. A Muslim woman, from around the corner, articulates the gravity in which their dismissal would bring to their people: "If you leave, we lose our footing."

At another point in the movie, when all the monks are of the same mind to stay and serve their people despite the risk, Cristian, the leader, relates their situation to the flowers of the field: "we wait where we are and grow in spite of the light or dark."

As I watched this movie, I longed to be like these monks. I yearned for a similar community and resolve. I desired to serve Christ in such a tangible, purposeful way. I started to feel as if my service and my calling paled in comparison to the monks' service.

Quickly, I tried to pound those fleshly thoughts out of my mind. For me, and I think it might be the same way with a lot of others like me, the easiest and most comfortable thing I could do as a Christian would be to move somewhere across the world and meet the needs of the poverty stricken. If that was my current calling, I don't think I would wrestle with it or fight it. I would embrace such a noble and overtly Christ-like vocation.

But, you want to know what, God planted my seed elsewhere. He planted my seed at TCA and at Starbucks. Might I be elsewhere in six months? Possibly. The winds of change always pick up and blow the seeds of fruit unexpectedly. But at this very moment, I need to celebrate the fact that my roots firmly planted itself here. Praise God! I don't know how or if or when I will be used by God, but that is ok. If I am a rake, He might choose the hoe. All to his glory.

I am a bow on your hands, Lord.
Draw me, lest I rot.
Do not overdraw me, Lord. I shall break.
Overdraw me, Lord, and who cares if I break.
-Nikos Kazantzakis

No matter if I believe at the moment, if my faithfulness is waning, if I want to uproot and plant myself directly in the sun wherever it shines -- "who cares" -- his Grace is sufficient.

To the Languished --

The church raised
With relationships fazed
The family razed

With soul crazed and unamazed

"I thank my God always concerning you for the grace of God which was given you in Christ...God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord...we have the mind of Christ [!]

"for you are still fleshly. For since there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not fleshly, and are you not walking like mere men?...[yet] you belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God [!]" (I Corinthians 1-3).

Paul's rhetorical style amazes me. Every time I stumble upon his opening words in I Corinthians, I recollect the grace of God when I desperately need to. Paul establishes and reveals to the Corinthian church their identity from the very beginning -- ones filled with the grace of God through Christ. He then proceeds to point out certain aspects of their body that fail to represent the fundamental truth. While he admonishes harshly at times, he repeatedly reminds them how the cross transformed (past tense, it has already happened) their previous vivid dream-like state into this new mysterious reality predicated on the foolishness of man. I can just see Paul writing this letter feverishly, urging the Father, with his fist raised somewhat indignantly in the air, to grant the Corinthian's the grace to truly see themselves gifted with the mind of Christ.

Oh how I wish I would believe and trust that God has given me (us) the mind of Christ!

Each blessing given to us can be coerced into a curse and each curse can be morphed into a blessing. Growing up as I did, in a Christian family that enrolled me into a Christian school and drug me into a church on Sunday mornings, I was inundated with various forms of the Gospel. Most of them probably, at some time or the other, reflected the risen Christ (Can you hear it now? You know, the testimony of the Christian who has always been a Christian? Oh, come on, you know, he/she walks down the isle, says the sinners prayer, and all is good with their eternal prognosis? Yeah, let's not go there).

In the spiritual whirlwind of childhood, the concept of grace always struggled to find the soil in which to root itself. Sometimes, the thorns would choke the seed out while other times, the birds would swoop down and snatch it. I was talking to a friend today about a novel he read called Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. In the story, there is a character named Jack who struggles with his faith while the rest of his family embraces it easily and fully. Since he was raised in a faithful family, he understood the premises of many Christian doctrines. But the seeds could not, for whatever reason, take root in the lush, fertile soil. His basic knowledge of predestination and his inability to grasp the faith in the way he thought was necessary caused him to wonder if he is one of the un-elect, condemned to hell. He was helpless, hopeless. In the same way, I am sure the Corinthian church felt similar to Jack when they realized this long, fifteen chapter letter (yes, I know Paul didn't put the chapters in there) came from their spiritual foundation builder. Who writes an encouraging letter of that length?

But Paul, by way of his style, emphatically points out to the Gentiles, whose new faith in Christ is so foreign compared to their previous beliefs (driven by the wisdom of man -- I Cor. 1), that the grace of God gave them the mind of Christ -- they belong to Him by the indwelling of the Spirit! They might feel like Jack, who believes he is one of the un-elect, but in reality, the power of God infused into them the third person of the Trinity.

"...our response to the love of Jesus demands trust. Do we rely on our resume or the gospel of grace? How do we cope with failure? 'Grace tells us that we are accepted just as we are. We may not be the kind of people we want to be, we may be a long way from our goals, we may have more failures than achievements, we may not be wealthy or powerful or spiritual, we may not even be happy, but we are nonetheless accepted by God, held in his hands. Such is his promise to us in Jesus Christ, a promise we can trust'" (The Ragamuffin Gospel).

I pray I begin to see myself as a man with the mind of Christ. I pray that in my failures, the grace God showed to me through his son moves to the forefront of my consciousness so I realize I have been forgiven. Fill my soul with your Spirit.

Story and Harry Potter

Tonight is the beginning of the end of the Harry Potter movies. People all over this continent are gathering at their local theaters at ungodly hours to see how the production studios capture the series' end. Some will be dressed in the garb of their favorite characters while others will think they are too cool to partake in an adult version of dress-up (but secretly wishing their heart would allow for this childish fantasy). Many will call in sick for work tomorrow while others' production output at work will resemble that of their body prostrate in bed. All for a story.

Why are people so engrossed with this story? Honestly, in this case, I have no idea. I have never seen, and probably never will see, the movies or read the books. Sometimes I tend to defy the cultural norm, even if it robs me of some perfectly healthy pleasure, for the sole purpose of not being like the others. Its a rather poor character flaw.

We DVR our weekly shows; we read the great texts and the beach classics; we watch documentaries about fast food; we wikipedia our favorite musicians for perspective; we feel the rhythm of poetry while picking it with a fine comb; and we watch nature explode for 30 minutes in a two and a half hour indie flick. Why? 

Some way, some how, stories fill the soul at its deepest level. Each character played well, each plot developed adequately, each beat resounded draw us toward something and even into it, in a way. We live vicariously through the rising and falling action and the complications and resolutions. (Freytag anyone?)

We participate in these stories so easily and free flowing. They are our escape from the happenings of our mundane and, often times, frustrating life. They are good things we use to help cope from the harshness of the world.

But, do we participate in the stories of others? Do I?

Over the last few years, including now, the story I focused on was my own. Are the actions and scenes of my story reflecting Christ? Are they showing me as smart? Are they making me happy? Emotionally stable? Confident?

As I wrestle, with the help of others, through some doubts, frustrations, anxieties, etc., I seem to be back at this point: strive toward Christ, whatever the cost. Interestingly enough, the consequences of these actions will produce fruit (Jesus!), but also a sense pride (flesh). I can't strive perfectly or purely. Praise God for the Holy Spirit and the work he can do use my acts to bring glory to the Father!

Dietrich Bonhoeffer's story not only stirs the soul to vicariously live through his actions of the first half of the 20th century but it moves the postmodern soul into parallel action. In striving for Christ, Bonhoeffer sacrifices his life for the salvation of the German Church that the 3rd Reich mutated into an engine for its own propaganda and good. His role in the fight for the Church consisted of lies and deceits, attempted assassinations, familial estrangement, as well as ultimately producing a "widow." From Eric Metaxas' incredible biography on Dietrich Bonhoeffer:

"[Bonhoeffer] knew that the consequences of his obedience were God's business...'It is remarkable how I am never quite clear about the motives for any of my decisions. Is that a sign of confusion, of inner dishonesty, or is it a sign that we are guided without our knowing, or is it both?...[God] certainly sees how much personal feeling, how much anxiety there is in today's decision, however brave it may seem. The reasons one gives for an action to others and to one's self are certainly inadequate. One can give a reason for everything.  In the last resort one acts from a level which remains hidden from us. so one can only ask God to judge us and to forgive us...At the end of the day I can only ask God to give a merciful judgement on today and all its decisions. It is now in his hand (p.345).'"

When your story is one that strives after Christ, your joy (or lack thereof), your suffering (maybe ever constant), and your self-efficacy is dependent upon God and his judgement.

But there is more to our individual stories. We must define what it means to strive after Christ. I don't know the answer to this fully. Oh how I wish I did! But this is what I do know: we are to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and we are to love others as our self (Matt. 22). The Jesus Creed. This is the heartbeat of striving after Christ -- the theme of our story. The former includes cultivating all aspects of the Imago Dei principle while the later is the physical actualization of the former. Obedience to the Son unifies us with the Father (John 3) and obedience means following the Jesus Creed.

So, in essence, our stories need to include God's story and others' stories and do not worry about the consequence of our actions. If our story does not include those two, our story ends up like a bad Keanu Reeves or Vin Diesel flick that causes men to wish to be in one of the many remakes of Sweet Home Alabama.

I pray I (we) strive for Christ, no matter the perceived consequence, no matter the perceived cost. Our story for His glory.

The Imago Dei Principle

Suddenly the bird darted out of the tree and away, and instantly he thought of the "fly buzzing about in the sun's rays" that Hippolyte had talked of; how that it knew its place and was a participator in the universal life, while he alone was an "outcast."...An old forgotten memory awoke in his brain, and suddenly burst into clearness and light. It was a recollection of Switzerland, during the first year of his cure, the very first months...He climbed the mountain-side, one sunny morning, and wandered long and aimlessly with a certain thought in his brain, which would not become clear. Above him was the blazing sky, below, the lake; all around was the horizon, clear and infinite. He looked out upon this, long and anxiously. He remembered how he had stretched out his arms towards the beautiful, boundless blue of the horizon, and wept, and wept. What had so tormented him was the idea that he was a stranger to all this, that he was outside this glorious festival. 

What was this universe? What was this grand, eternal pageant to which he had yearned from his childhood up, and in which he could never take part? Every morning the same magnificent sun; every morning the same rainbow in the waterfall; every evening the same glow on the snow-mountains. 

Every little fly that buzzed in the sun's rays was a singer in the universal chorus, "knew its place, and was happy in it." Every blade of grass grew and was happy. Everything knew its path and loved it, went forth with a song and returned with a song; only he knew nothing, understood nothing, neither men nor words, nor any of nature's voices; he was a stranger and an outcast. 

--Prince Myshikin, The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The concept that God created man in his own image really fascinates me. From the Christian perspective, it is so undeniably true. As we look upon the created natural world, only one created thing or being loves, thinks rationally, creates with practically no bounds, and chooses freely -- man. These attributes reflect only one other being or essence, the Father. How amazing that God privileged man with this!

But what is so strange about it all is that other than the writer of Genesis, Paul, from my menial research, is the only biblical author that mentions man being created in the image of God. Paul's focus on the subject centers on the fact that the faithful begin to transform into the image of God once they lay "aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge" (Col. 3:9-10). While, on the other hand, Gen. 5, which occurs after man's fall from perfection in the image, refers to Adam's fatherhood as him becoming "the father of a son in his own likeness, according to his image." Genesis seems to show that the very act of childbirth, even from the most fallen of the fallen, corresponds to some sort of participation in this imago dei principle. So, while all, whether a follower of Christ or not, can participate in that image because it innately dwells within us, only those who truly follow him begin to transform into it. The indwelling of the Spirit enables that work (i.e., sanctification). Does that finding have any substantial consequence? No, probably not, but some form of significance might derive from it.

With that brief quasi-aside, lets focus on The Idiot and its relation to the imago dei principle. Before I began this particular writing endeavor, I felt like my conclusion would somehow or someway look something like this: "why can't my path be like the one of the fly? or the sun? or the grass? Why can't every life instance and experience, like that of the natural, be a full and complete participation of God's glory? In essence, why can't I be perfect like the rising and setting of the sun is perfect in time, distance, order, etc?" I am like a whiny Job without the nagging wife, inconsiderate friends, and, of yeah, the intense physical, emotional, and spiritual turmoil. 

So as I have sat here at Starbucks the last two or so hours reflecting upon this passage and the verses above, I have been moved to think about The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis. Oh how I wish I had my copy with me, but yea, my memory will have to do, even though it is a gross injustice and simplification to his actual words.

In The Problem of Pain, Lewis devotes a whole chapter to animal pain. He does this in order to distinguish between the beauty of bearing God's image and the natural participation in God's glory that the rest of creation falls under. An animal receives pain and suffering only because of a natural instinct woven within its very fabric. This pain happens at the atomic level, when something goes haywire with physical. This is an important distinction because human beings experience pain and suffering not only on the physical level, but also on a soulful level. This "soulful" pain occurs because of the imago dei principle. We were created with divine-like attributes that enable us to love, which enables us to empathize, which also enables us to feel pain. But because of the Fall, this soulful pain and suffering also occurs because of our freedom to sin. An animal does not have the privilege to be free, so therefore it does not have the freedom to sin. But in our freedom, we do sin and cause pain to others at a metaphysical level as well as feeling pain at a metaphysical level. 

Why is all of this important? One, because I want to avoid pain and suffering at that metaphysical level, just as everyone else does. If we were to become like the fly, or the grass, or the sun, we lose our divine attributes and only experience the reflexive pain that the natural feels. Secondly, and worst of all, the imago dei principle and all that falls under it is the only thing that allows us to recognize, understand, and ultimately love the Father. So while I feel like an outsider and outcast in some ways, like Myshikin and Hippolyte do, I can place my footsteps in the footsteps of Christ -- the one perfect example who lived as both the sun and the man. 

Nature might scream the glory of God, but they don't know it. We can look at man, the ones redeemed and slowly becoming like their Creator and the ones who reflect it unknowingly, and say, "we are like God, so therefore we are loved by God." Just as in marriage when the fulfillment of the man and women's love is the conception of one in their own image, so is man in is existence that derives from the divine Creator ( think Adam begetting Seth).

Father's Day Reflection

I don't vividly remember too many particular days at Oklahoma State. It was a rather short, albeit enjoyable, period of my life spanning only four or so months. But there is one day I distinctly remember -- a definitive and important day that I remember for a reason completely separate from the obvious.

My side of the dorm room was empty; my bed was stripped; my car was packed. My time at OSU was ending that very day. The only thing left was the 3 1/2 hour drive from Stillwater to Dallas. As I waited for my roommate to return from wherever he was, I laid on my naked bed listening to my iRiver (anti-norm!). A song called "Hosanna" by Jason Morant began to play. The song beautifully represents the irony of the gospel hosanna moment with the impending death of the hosanna. The lyrics echo the crowd's sentiments that palm Sunday while the music has a somewhat melancholy tone. This juxtaposition leads to an emotionally powerful song.

The song moved my soul in the same way a Sigur Ros song move you while you listen to it in the rain; or in the same way Hester Prynne's sin and ostracism moves you to fight for her; or in the same way that Joyce's representation of Stephen Dedalus moves you to the realization you just might be that young man.

In this case, the Jason Morant song drew my eyes to a picture the resided on my roommate's bulletin board. It consisted of my roommate and my dad, arm and arm. A perfect storm of circumstances, mixed and matched together, caused such a stir of emotion within my chest that I thought I just might shed a tear for the first time in my life. Never before had I recognized, felt, or understood the intense bond I had with my father. The moribund thought of my dad dying raced around my mind. What would I do? How would I handle it? How could I live without him? As I currently reflect upon it, the emotion was similar to the emotion that consumed me about my mother during my near death mountain climbing experience in Greece (maybe I will write about it one day).

There is something incredibly special about the relationship between a father and his son.  This is not to say that it supersedes the mother/son relationship, but for some reason, when God created the cosmos, he intentionally designed for sons to long for an intimate relationship with their father. It is probably because this specific earthly relationship is the best model and representation, while ultimately imperfect, of the relationship between humanity and it's heavenly father.

All of my rambling is to say this: thank you, dad, for the conversations over the years and listening and entertaining all of my thoughts and dreams. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for the friendship we have cultivated. Thank you for the love. Thank you for loving my mom and being a great example of what a husband is supposed to be. And ultimately, thank you for reflecting God's image in all facets of your life. I hope to become the man of God, husband, and father that you are.

Thank you.

Simply Notice

"Simply noticing has nothing to do with predicting the future, undoing the past, analyzing, or intellectually understanding anything. Simply noticing involves only simply noticing. That is, paying attention -- the same sort of attention you would pay to a good movie...You don't work at enjoying the movie. You just cast your awareness on the screen and let the movie do its thing...Simply noticing requires effort. It does not require strain." Richard Carson -- "Taming Your Gremlin"

I am a rule follower. I always have been one and I probably always will be one. As a youngster, the only time I was written up in school was when I passed a friend's binder with my feet to another friend, who passed it to another friend, and so forth, from one end of the classroom to the other. And, I am pretty sure the school's bylaws stated nothing explicitly reprimanding my vicious and malicious act.

Because this characteristic engrained itself into the fabric of my being, I daily (hourly, minutely?) sift through my actions and experiences -- actual and potential -- attempting to determine their individual moral stance. As I draw my conclusions, I intentionally place myself in situations that fit as tightly to the mold that I created. This causes me to perpetually stay within my interior while losing awareness to the world's beauty.

Yes, that is all very abstract but practically speaking, this is what I mean: I take one of the many forms of Christianity and create a list, subconsciously, of what I must accomplish in order to be a "genuine" Christ-Follower. Oh, has the list evolved! From conservative moralism and evangelism, to the emergent social justice movement, to traditional intellectualism, with many more to come, I am sure.

What a long list of unique dos and don'ts under the guise of abolishing a Christ-less moralism!

But, in the midst of the lists, those absolute ideas (in and of themselves not evil) superseded Christ himself. Every aspect of my being, of my senses, intended to satisfy the interior unrest of my soul. Perfectly embodying the ideas found on my lists, I believed, would bring about a propitiation of God's wrath upon this feeble man. Instead, it caused me forsake the beauty of our creator and ignore the intense grace that his Son provided for his creation.

Richard Carson, a Buddhist psychologist from Dallas, urges those whose awareness always focuses upon the interior to shift their awareness outward. While Carson, of course, never alludes to shifting awareness to God's creation in order to remove yourself from the interior life, I think as a Christian in the 21st century church, we can glean quite a bit from this method.

When I look upon the natural world, notice Christ. When I look upon my gifts, physical and material, notice Christ. When I look upon another human being, notice them as image bearers of the Father, even the ones who have no idea that they bear aspects of his image. I seem to think that the simple act of noticing Christ in all areas of everyday life, subconscious to us, will transform us into who God wants us to be. I wonder if this is what Paul had in mind when he told the Roman church to be transformed by the renewing of their mind...

While the method of simply noticing Christ might one day be misconstrued into its own list, it is a much shorter list than the ones I previously employed. Simplicity, in itself, is a very beautiful thing.

Update

About once a year, I decide to blog. I blog for a month or two until it completely drains me the life from me. Now is the time in which I start it up again. I found a neat feature that allowed me to import all my old posts from my old blogger sites. Those are the posts that you see below this entry.

Blogging allows me to wade through my thoughts and experiences while synthesizing it all so that I can try to make sense out of this life I have been given. I am sure the posts that follow will range from melancholy and hopeless to joyful and hopeful.

All-in-all, I hope that I come to a greater understanding of Truth (as well as anyone who ends up reading this) through the questions that are asked and examined. 

"'Oh yes, of course. You are very beautiful, Aglaya Ivanovna, so beautiful that one is afraid to look at you.'
'Is that all? What about her character?' said Mrs. General.
'It is difficult to judge when such beauty is concerned, I have not prepared my judgment. Beauty is a riddle.'" -- The Prince