Father's Day Reflection

I don't vividly remember too many particular days at Oklahoma State. It was a rather short, albeit enjoyable, period of my life spanning only four or so months. But there is one day I distinctly remember -- a definitive and important day that I remember for a reason completely separate from the obvious.

My side of the dorm room was empty; my bed was stripped; my car was packed. My time at OSU was ending that very day. The only thing left was the 3 1/2 hour drive from Stillwater to Dallas. As I waited for my roommate to return from wherever he was, I laid on my naked bed listening to my iRiver (anti-norm!). A song called "Hosanna" by Jason Morant began to play. The song beautifully represents the irony of the gospel hosanna moment with the impending death of the hosanna. The lyrics echo the crowd's sentiments that palm Sunday while the music has a somewhat melancholy tone. This juxtaposition leads to an emotionally powerful song.

The song moved my soul in the same way a Sigur Ros song move you while you listen to it in the rain; or in the same way Hester Prynne's sin and ostracism moves you to fight for her; or in the same way that Joyce's representation of Stephen Dedalus moves you to the realization you just might be that young man.

In this case, the Jason Morant song drew my eyes to a picture the resided on my roommate's bulletin board. It consisted of my roommate and my dad, arm and arm. A perfect storm of circumstances, mixed and matched together, caused such a stir of emotion within my chest that I thought I just might shed a tear for the first time in my life. Never before had I recognized, felt, or understood the intense bond I had with my father. The moribund thought of my dad dying raced around my mind. What would I do? How would I handle it? How could I live without him? As I currently reflect upon it, the emotion was similar to the emotion that consumed me about my mother during my near death mountain climbing experience in Greece (maybe I will write about it one day).

There is something incredibly special about the relationship between a father and his son.  This is not to say that it supersedes the mother/son relationship, but for some reason, when God created the cosmos, he intentionally designed for sons to long for an intimate relationship with their father. It is probably because this specific earthly relationship is the best model and representation, while ultimately imperfect, of the relationship between humanity and it's heavenly father.

All of my rambling is to say this: thank you, dad, for the conversations over the years and listening and entertaining all of my thoughts and dreams. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for the friendship we have cultivated. Thank you for the love. Thank you for loving my mom and being a great example of what a husband is supposed to be. And ultimately, thank you for reflecting God's image in all facets of your life. I hope to become the man of God, husband, and father that you are.

Thank you.

Simply Notice

"Simply noticing has nothing to do with predicting the future, undoing the past, analyzing, or intellectually understanding anything. Simply noticing involves only simply noticing. That is, paying attention -- the same sort of attention you would pay to a good movie...You don't work at enjoying the movie. You just cast your awareness on the screen and let the movie do its thing...Simply noticing requires effort. It does not require strain." Richard Carson -- "Taming Your Gremlin"

I am a rule follower. I always have been one and I probably always will be one. As a youngster, the only time I was written up in school was when I passed a friend's binder with my feet to another friend, who passed it to another friend, and so forth, from one end of the classroom to the other. And, I am pretty sure the school's bylaws stated nothing explicitly reprimanding my vicious and malicious act.

Because this characteristic engrained itself into the fabric of my being, I daily (hourly, minutely?) sift through my actions and experiences -- actual and potential -- attempting to determine their individual moral stance. As I draw my conclusions, I intentionally place myself in situations that fit as tightly to the mold that I created. This causes me to perpetually stay within my interior while losing awareness to the world's beauty.

Yes, that is all very abstract but practically speaking, this is what I mean: I take one of the many forms of Christianity and create a list, subconsciously, of what I must accomplish in order to be a "genuine" Christ-Follower. Oh, has the list evolved! From conservative moralism and evangelism, to the emergent social justice movement, to traditional intellectualism, with many more to come, I am sure.

What a long list of unique dos and don'ts under the guise of abolishing a Christ-less moralism!

But, in the midst of the lists, those absolute ideas (in and of themselves not evil) superseded Christ himself. Every aspect of my being, of my senses, intended to satisfy the interior unrest of my soul. Perfectly embodying the ideas found on my lists, I believed, would bring about a propitiation of God's wrath upon this feeble man. Instead, it caused me forsake the beauty of our creator and ignore the intense grace that his Son provided for his creation.

Richard Carson, a Buddhist psychologist from Dallas, urges those whose awareness always focuses upon the interior to shift their awareness outward. While Carson, of course, never alludes to shifting awareness to God's creation in order to remove yourself from the interior life, I think as a Christian in the 21st century church, we can glean quite a bit from this method.

When I look upon the natural world, notice Christ. When I look upon my gifts, physical and material, notice Christ. When I look upon another human being, notice them as image bearers of the Father, even the ones who have no idea that they bear aspects of his image. I seem to think that the simple act of noticing Christ in all areas of everyday life, subconscious to us, will transform us into who God wants us to be. I wonder if this is what Paul had in mind when he told the Roman church to be transformed by the renewing of their mind...

While the method of simply noticing Christ might one day be misconstrued into its own list, it is a much shorter list than the ones I previously employed. Simplicity, in itself, is a very beautiful thing.

Update

About once a year, I decide to blog. I blog for a month or two until it completely drains me the life from me. Now is the time in which I start it up again. I found a neat feature that allowed me to import all my old posts from my old blogger sites. Those are the posts that you see below this entry.

Blogging allows me to wade through my thoughts and experiences while synthesizing it all so that I can try to make sense out of this life I have been given. I am sure the posts that follow will range from melancholy and hopeless to joyful and hopeful.

All-in-all, I hope that I come to a greater understanding of Truth (as well as anyone who ends up reading this) through the questions that are asked and examined. 

"'Oh yes, of course. You are very beautiful, Aglaya Ivanovna, so beautiful that one is afraid to look at you.'
'Is that all? What about her character?' said Mrs. General.
'It is difficult to judge when such beauty is concerned, I have not prepared my judgment. Beauty is a riddle.'" -- The Prince